First of all, let’s get one thing straight, How to deal with Breakup : The term ‘abusive’ doesn’t’ exclusively refer to physical violence.
Some of the most destructive abuse in the world is emotional or manipulative, and the manipulative kind can be some of the most damaging, simply because it means people have gotten inside our heads without our permission, which can leave us feeling confused, hurt, frustrated and violated.
There will be some time in everyone’s life when they want to know about How to deal with Breakup.
How to deal with Breakup : So why is post-relationship self-care so critical? There are 3 key reasons:
1. Discovering the ‘lesson’ in a negative event can help us make sense of it so that we can truly, healthfully move on.
Taking the time to evaluate the positives, negatives and potential to learn from any situation can help us to feel that we have been made stronger, rather than debilitated by an interaction or event. Not all relationships are designed to be ‘til death do us part’.
We get whatever experiences our soul needs to evolve in this round of Earth-school. Taking the time to get still and quiet and recover, allows us to get back to a stronger, wiser version of ourselves which enables us to avoid repeating the same damaging patterns over again.
2. You can’t give from an empty vessel.
People who believe that putting yourself first is ‘selfish’ are missing an extremely important point: It takes energy, health, vitality and motivation to give in large quantities. Consider how useful you are to your friends and family when you’re ill.
…Not so much, huh?
When our health and energy is low we spend more time on the couch than out being helpful. Imagine what you could offer the world if you were bouncing out of bed at 5am and amped until 11pm. Conserving, managing and maintaining your energy stores isn’t selfish, it’s 100% necessary if you truly want to contribute.
3. Your immune system was involved.
The immune, digestive and reproductive systems are the biggest fuel burners in our body and they need to be taken care of. If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship you would’ve activated your fight or flight response from time to time. (If your abuser was a narcissist, some of this would’ve been intentional).
Adrenaline and cortisol in low doses over a long period of time are inflammatory and injurious to health, and recent studies show as little as 5 minutes of anger can suppress the immune system for up to 6 hours. Immunity is critical to survival and should be nurtured and treasured accordingly.
If you’ve been through a stressful time, do not underestimate the necessity and benefits of care and recovery.
So how do we do it? Many people associate the concept of self-care with something fluffy involving Enya and incense, but in reality it’s just taking time to do all the things you’d recommend a dear friend do if they had been through a traumatic event.
How to deal with Breakup : Here are my top 5 most effective actions, based on my own personal experience and the feedback I’ve received from clients on :
1. Speak to yourself like you would a dear friend.
I may not know you personally, but I am fairly comfortable assuming that you don’t tell your friends to ‘harden up’, ‘get over it’, ‘stop crying about the past’ or ‘take a concrete pill’ on the regular. Yet these are all things we often feel are justified when addressing ourselves. You need to be your own best friend.
And while I don’t recommend wallowing or ruminating (largely because these activities trick the brain into feeling busy and productive, when really it’s just triggering and recycling stress hormones), I certainly believe that we’re allowed to acknowledge that something awful happened, and that it’s human to grieve whatever we lost in that experience.
You are not a machine. You are allowed to react to sad things with sadness, and hurtful things with pain.
2. Recognise that emotions have a purpose, and grieve accordingly.
The point of emotions is to bring feelings from your inside, outside. What I mean by this is that sadness and crying takes pain from your soul and releases it. This is what they’re designed to do, and they will do it, with or without your permission.
So take the time to grieve and get the pain out, because if you suppress it, it will start coming out at inopportune times such as at dinner (particularly if you are drinking), or at the supermarket.
I had a client once who assumed the pain of a breakup would just heal itself if he ignored it for long enough.
Two years later he found himself sobbing while driving, sobbing into his dinner, sobbing during films (not even sad ones!). I myself have sobbed through yoga classes because trauma is commonly stored around the pelvic girdle and hip-openers tend to release it. Bottom line: IT’S GOING TO COME OUT.
Be smart about how you accommodate that.
3. Move your body.
We don’t have emotions, we do emotions. Our brains take cues from the emotions that we are physically acting out. For example, depression shows up visually through poor posture, slow movements, shallow breathing, tension in the face etc. If you want your brain to release the chemicals that perk you up, awaken and cheer you, you need to trigger those physically.
Stand up tall, engage your core, open your chest wide, relax your temples and frown lines and look up.
Breathe deeply, extending your stomach to allow your diaphragm to move and shift stagnant air from the bottom of your lungs, and incorporate exercise into your daily life to allow your lymph system to process waste materials effectively.
4. Use food to demonstrate care and self-respect.
We don’t give children, pets or house plants sub-par food, so why do we think it’s ok to consume nutritionally-deficient and inflammatory substances like soft drinks, deep fried goo and sugar-covered sugar? (That’s not a typo).
Your body uses food to rebuild and regenerate. How are you supposed to feel better when your body is battling to process and detoxify a never-ending stream of gunk? How are you supposed to move your body daily if you’re burning upwards of 70% of your available energy just processing your ‘meals’?
There is no ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food, there is only ‘food’ and ‘food-like substances’. One last comment on nutrition: Do not use food as a reward system. You are not a dog and you deserve more exciting rewards.
Ask for help.
For many of you, this will be the most difficult part. We don’t like to burden, and we don’t like to be a chore. But the fact is, no-one gets through life alone. We are pack animals; when we’re on our own for too long we get weird… 😉
As with anything, mentor ship and shortening the learning curve by talking to someone who’s been there is intensely beneficial, so if you’re lacking in direction, strategies, accountability or clarity on how to deal with Breakup, please apply for a complimentary session via the ‘enquire’ page and we’ll do a little digging.
See you there!